falling down

OH MY WORD. i am a screwball. and i fall on my face again before You. i'm sorry i'm so faithless and i'm so sorry i am not joyful and i'm so sorry i forget SO EASILY how absolutely AMAZING and GINORMOUS You are.
i have some amazing pictures of the sky. but it's not because i am any kind of photographer. it's because sometimes the mountains and sky and water make it impossible for the picture-taker to mess up. my soul friend--she is a photographer. she has some amazing pictures of not only the sky, but the most random things--traffic lights, signs, streets, brick buildings, dead leaves. she's an artist that way.
you know, anyone can take something beautiful and present it as beautiful. it takes an artist, a master designer, to take something ugly and mundane, and present it as beautiful. that is what You have done. and are doing. You have taken me, in all my filth and smallness, and have covered me, flooded me, drowned me in Your grace and righteousness. i am clean and beautiful in Your sight. and yet i am not there. i have not 'arrived'. You are taking me, even still, and shaping and pruning and refining and sifting. i am sorry. but i am so SO glad. thank You for being faithful--Your Love endures forever, and Your faithfulness through all generations. thank You for being my Joy--the Joy of the LORD is my strength. thank You for waiting patiently with open arms, some hydrogen peroxide, a band-aid, and a kiss.
and so i stand up again. maybe i should just stay on my knees...

thoughts...

it is truly amazing to see what is on some reality tv shows. i am sitting here, in the brumby rotunda, loading music to my itunes and some show like the bachelor, but with 'flava'--who wears a crown and a cape and talks in third person--is on the big screen. and a catty fight almost just broke out. wow. i'm feeling so much stupider and worse off, overall, for even overhearing it. gotta love vh1. YES. someone finally went over there and turned down the volume. way down. why didn't i think of that?
my mind is kind of stripped of all deep and articulated thoughts at the moment. there's a kind of fog that happens when your ears are clogged...or rather your eustachian tubes, to be exact...and somehow when you hear your own chewing better than you hear outside sounds and voices, the chewing noise sometimes over takes any thought in your brain. of course, this is only while eating. i would hope you don't chew your tongue, or clang your teeth together. i experienced this phenomenon while eating a bowl of berry kix earlier this evening. i was amazed at the volume this noise could reach in my own ears while virtually nonexistent to those around me. on that enlightening note, i am going to go baptizo myself and sleep some more. great sermon today, by the way. off to wash.

SURPRISE

WHOA. i have amazing friends. they were amazing before they threw me a surprise day-after-my-birthday-party, but it simply brought this amazingness to my attention once again. so much fun. and i had NO idea. i should have picked up on the many sketchy things going on, but i am oblivious like that. and i will believe whatever you tell me to a fault. (hopefully not so much on doctrinal things...just everyday things. why would anyone lie? why not just say nothing if you don't want to say? these are the things that keep me awake at night. not really. but i wonder.) and as i was previously writing, i was confused in general yesterday. so it blew my mind when i walked into doc chays (no idea how you spell that) and see a long table with a bunch of people chilling and waiting for me. thank goodness there was no yelling or commotion. really not a fan of that. but they were there. chris came from augusta. alex came from alpharetta. and then some people from around here. and linds made me chocolate-covered things and a lot of iced vanilla latte's and eclairs. and we hung out and talked and laughed at my wonderful sister's apt for a long time.
i don't deserve the many many blessings the Lord has poured out on me. what precious friends. my heart smiles, and is so blessed to know they love me, and think of how they make me laugh. fabulous as molly would say. just fabulous. i am currently uploading one of my presents to itunes...passion06! very exciting. well. that's about all i have. i mean, not really, but who wants to hear the rest? i wouldn't. i'll just sit here and think it out instead.

i am glad dreams don't always come true

so. yesterday was a rainy birthday. but. that's alright. i decided that i didn't want my birthday to me all about me. the world doesn't stop turning because 19 years ago a wrinkley red baby came into the world. nor should it stop just because i've made it 19 years. life goes on. josh's dog is still sick...linds's heart still hurts...alex still has musical things...trish still has family things. the rain falls and life goes on. it worked out pretty well for me. not to make it about ME, that is. i think i'll try it again next year. and today. and tomorrow. and every other day. sounds like a plan. linds gave me this INCREDIBLE book of the cosmos, with these AMAZING pictures and verses and quotes. beautiful, indescribable stuff. nebulas and planets and galaxies and star clusters. i'm on my way to becoming an astronomy nerd. another wonderful reminder of how small i am, and how BIG God is. and i can look at it whenever i want to:) that's exciting.
had a very confusing morning this morning. weird dream. half way asleep while sending and receiving text messages. feeling kind of sick. when things like that happen, sometimes later on in the day i find myself thinking...ok, is this real? when dreams carry over and you think they are reality. i'm glad mine isn't. very glad. (some of you might be wondering what this dream entails, but i will just leave you with a chinese scandal, small children, the indescribable tour, my best friends, mistaken gender, and a mooning waterskier) but. kind of disconcerting. well...i'm off to be surprised by a lovely friend, after spending my waking hours with another lovely friend. i have lots of lovely friends. hope your day is not as confusing as mine.

what i love. what love is.

yum i love birthday cake. and special dinners. and getting back papers. and my mom and sister. and my brother and dad. tourmalines (sp?) and garnets. dangley earrings and high heels. sweat pants and fun puma tennis shoes. i love dark green and gray and brown. i love blazers and jackets-not-coats. i love the fact that my sister is in love. i love coming back from worshipping and having my neck and smile muscles be sore. (kind of remarkable, really) i love roses and tulips. and giving flowers and cards and snow peas to people. and funky jewelry. and being different. i love going against the grain. doing my own thing. getting weird looks for going outside the cookie cutter. i love spontaneous back-scratching and/or playing with hair. i love laughing while i'm crying (happened for maybe the first time ever the other day...very interesting sensation). i love straight up encouragement. i love sunsets and sunrises. i love stars. i love solitary trees on rolling hills with the bright blue or dark black sky behind. i really love to see horses roll around on their backs and chase each other. i love naps in comfy chairs with the sunshine coming in through the window. and such naps at the student learning center. i love it when hair stuff smells good...like not floral or squeaky clean, but some incredible smell they come up with at all those hair product factories. i love seeing more and more how HUGE God is. i love asking Him to reveal His truth. and He does. i love watching Him pull through. every time. i love His faithfulness when i am faithless. which is quite often. i love Jesus. and want to desperately love Him more.
love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. love never fails.

THAT much

ok so why does my homepage have pink trimmings?...do all blogs do that?
anyway. i guess its in the spirit of valentine's day...
soo. it started out kind of rough, but i had one of the best valentine's day's i've had in a long time. maybe ever. and all that without a valentine...
actually, that morning when i woke up, the Lord and i talked and decided that He's my Valentine. and while i wavered there somewhere around the middle of the evening, He pulled through and managed to shower His Love on me in a very real and powerful and personal way. rather, i saw it...it's always there...
but really. He used two good God-friends to wrap me up. particularly, the guy. i don't know what it is...something about a tender heart receiving affirmation from a father, a brother, a friend, a lover(ahem, someday), that is so unique and special. i think because God is our Father and our Lover. and in this case, the Lord decided to speak truth and love over me and into my heart through a good guy friend. thinking back, i can hardly remember a time when i really felt so loved...so right. and alright...perfectly made for His ultimate glory. the Lord gave Alex some really powerful, specific things to say, both to me and just for me to hear and think about. and i know, without a shadow of a doubt, that was my Creator speaking to my heart, being my Valentine.
to top it all off, He miraculously took care of all the things that needed to be done today. i mean, they all worked out perfectly. and now i am going to sleep early because i only got 3 hours last night.
wow. God is so good. His Love is deep and wide and fathomless. He loves you THAT much. He loves me THAT much. whatever 'THAT' means to you...fill in the blank...to ransom your soul, to fight for your heart. to go beyond time and space and be humiliated and human. to carry out His perfect plan, bigger than you can imagine and more than your wildest dreams. He loves us THAT much. and i, for one, am very excited about that.
so tomorrow i will wake up, and try to get my mind working well enough to even try to comprehend this Love (and it won't work), and i'll have to tell myself, just like i have to every day (i'm so forgetful), that He is BIG and ask Him to do AMAZING things i would not believe if i had been told. all while i stand back and watch, amazed. so here's to another day of reminders and routine on my part, and incredible adventure and mystery on His.

frogs in tunics?

new thought...i wonder if God is goofy at all. i mean, surely if He made me that way, He has to have some appreciation for it. and i also wonder if He just rocks back in that throne and laughs--the deep kind from your belly...i would laugh at me. and the thousands of other people who do stupid stuff. even better, He's right here with me and in me and outside of me besides being in heaven. and everywhere else. and just think...He can see it all at one time, past present and future...that's a lot of stuff to see. not just the bad and good, but there's funny stuff in there too. wonder what things boys came up with to do back then. i am so confident that they did SOMETHING. just minus technology. i'm sure we would all be amazed at what hills, rocks, dust, and sticks are capable of. and that doesn't even include donkeys, leaky fishing boats, or caves. i'm sure there was still a fair share of frogs and snakes while learning the Torah in school. i mean, maybe not. maybe that's all just my imagination. somehow i think there was something going on though. and it makes for a laugh to think about it.

mind games

i really hate how obsessed with appearance our culture is. and i really hate how i get wrapped up in it. just 5 more lbs...just get that jacket or those shoes. if we go down that road, it never really ends and we are never really satisfied. sometimes i really don't like the fact that i long to be beautiful. i mean, honestly, i feel kind of like a girly, prissy, pathetic girl even saying it. but the irony of it all is that's how i was made to be. what my heart longs for is to reflect an aspect of our Creator's heart...the relational, beautiful, captivating side. i really hate how in spite of the fact the culture demands us to be beautiful, and, in short, physically flawless, it makes me cringe to admit i care. i feel girly if i cry. like somehow that's a bad thing. seeing as i am a girl, you'd think it would be ok, but no. i'm just weird like that. anyway. Satan is messing with my mind, and i don't like it one bit. Jesus, for Your glory and in Your name i ask You to take captive every thought and kick out the ones that don't belong. Come rule my mind with Life and Peace. thank You for Your words over me..."all beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you" (SoS 4:7) . let me live like i'm loved-- confident, radiant, and free.

i need words

i need words as wide as sky
i need a language large as this longing inside
i need a voice bigger than mine
i need a song to sing you that i've yet to find
i need you
to be here now
to hear me now
david crowder

so i asked to see. and You showed me.
i asked to be broken. and You broke me.
i cried out. You heard me.
i asked. You sent.
You ARE. iamnot.

JOY

it is so amazing how a change of heart can happen in mere seconds. i was sitting there at lunch, being not-so-joyful, and felt the need to go pray for this guy...and when i did my heart went from not-so-joyful to thoughtful and seeing the big picture. then i walked up the hill to my lovely residence and came into the computer lab, wishing my wireless works in my room, still being not-quite-joyful. and my sister called...her hello lightened my heart, and her laugh shook my mood off...and my laugh made me very-joyful.
i feel like every single day is a struggle. there is ALWAYS, or almost always, an hour, a couple of hours, or even just 20 minutes, where i lose sight of the BIG picture and find myself discouraged and mundane. it really has to be You, Jesus, all You. i realize more and more every day that i can't do this life by myself. how You'd have me to, that is. i need You. DESPERATELY. so so desperately. i want to be real; transparent and vulnerable; free from pride and stuffy fronts that shut the world out. i want to cry and laugh and love. i want to give and to Live. make my heart come alive today!

?

do you ever have those moments where all of a sudden things aren't so solid and you're not sure if what you've been seeing or thinking is the way things really are? not so much in a God kind of way, but in a me kind of way...maybe that's the problem. tonight, after hearing this guy speak, i sat there, and i was like...is that me? am i trying to hide and be perfect behind a facade put up for the world to see? just the other day 2 of my best friends and i were talking, and i was asking them about my weaknesses. i concluded that because of my personality and the nature of them, most people don't see them, but oh, are they there. something makes me think that i am not seeing the whole picture...i don't know the depths of my own heart, and i feel like there's some glaring sin that isn't in my line of vision...but until i see it i can't turn around and surrender it for Christ to transform. kind of frustrating. anyway.
Spirit, shine down on my soul...show me my heart and all my hidden motives...uproot my pride it has no place in me.

bla bla bla

kd;lskjdfklda;lskdjth itha ithi sthiscktdhiesax. sayoithac.asldkf i awnt eo ahave and alkjjg;laisdff;axc,.e. alkdfj ai ;alksdjf eialkjeahteiocanske. aiseth. thiealicthenvbiena. alkdfjaeila.
sometimes i feel like that's all that comes out of my mouth. just babbling, incoherent words. i wonder if that's all that people hear. i guess at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what my words say if the Spirit of God is active and speaking through them.
Jesus be present in my words and in my heart behind them. Spirit, connect with Yourself in other believers and make Yourself known to unbelievers.

i put our tech-y generation to shame

can i please just make it known to the world how retarded i am when it comes to computers. which formats, which files, which programs, how to highlight and comment and upload. oh my word. but i think i figured out the bare minimum. hopefully my prof will find the right files with the right comments in the right place. ok. that's my predominant thought for now. oh...and another thing...
i have come to realize that my classes are just an extension of "indescribable"...whether its proteins and cells or genes and alleles, everything--every area--simply screams God's infinite majesty and His greatness...His perfect design, so complex that the most brilliant scientist or philosopher cannot fathom it. writing that out, it seems so obvious--of course the mind of God is infinitely above the mind of created man--but we are so easily tricked into looking only as far as our eyes can see and reaching for what our hands can feel or our minds can grasp, rather than opening up wide and asking for more while acknowledging what little we have.
so while i would much rather be looking at the cosmos and listening to God's heartbeat via louie, it has made classes more bearable, and hold up, even interesting to realize this truth. ok so i still was about to fall asleep today, but its more of an incentive to learn anyway.
that's all folks.