Call me Grace

I tripped a whole lot in England. Or ran into things. And my suitcases (yes, 's', i'm ashamed to admit) were SO awkward, particularly having to carry one of them everywhere and on and off trains all the time. So Caitlin told me she was going to call me Grace. Which is really a fantastic idea, seeing as the topic I wanted to study at L'Abri was grace. (see www.labri.org for an explanation of what it is...we were at the English one...)
When I left, I realized I don't really get grace. There is still much un-grace in me, and some things that are hard to swallow. So I wanted to learn about it and hopefully experience it in a new and fresh way. Which happened to some extent. But today I realized I came away with more questions than when I started. THere were some incredibly intelligent and intellectual people there, and while i once would have said i lean more towards that, again and again i came to the realization that i like things simple. yes, ask questions. yes, pursue knowledge. but really, at the end of the day, Jesus lived and died and lives again so I can Live and be brought back to glory. So He can get all glory. He loves. So I am to love. I might be missing something here, but I am pretty confident that Love and Glory and Life are what it is all about. so i found myself frustrated sometimes with the debates covering intricacies of God's power or His plan, when really, a lot of it is just guesswork on the part of humanity. More power to you to work those things out, and to care deeply about them, but I realized that for me, I am ok with not understanding every detail or knowing how exactly He pulls it off, whatever 'it' is.
Even saying that makes me feel labelled as ignorant or lazy or emotionally based, but time and time again, it was the conclusion i came to. er...to which i came. So here I am, back at home, and I know I still don't have this quite worked out, but I think I am ok with the extravagant grace of God. I don't realize its extent or the depth of my fall far too often, but I think I can accept the fact that He is ultimately gracious and even though I WILL mess up, He WILL always have grace to cover it. My problem is grace and people.
I am coming to find that one of my biggest fears is ungrace from others. I have always convinced myself that if i mess up, or say something hurtful or do something wrong, I will not and cannot be forgiven. I know that in God's economy, we are to forgive, but I think the cynical part of me knows that that is not exactly how things go much of the time. So i suppose I sell everyone short, assuming if i mess up I don't get a second chance or clean slate or we can't be friends anymore. But how does that work? I have never really had to receive extravagant grace from a human before...always the rule-follower and do gooder and 'perfect' student, child, friend, whatever; but i'm not sure where along the way wanting to do the right thing for the sake of doing the right thing became having to do the right thing because anything less is unacceptable. Or have I ever done the right thing just because it's right?
WAit. I read that, and even now, my thought process is all wrong. When did I stop doing good because it is the right thing to do, and start doing it because of love? love for those around me, love for Jesus? And those selected acts of love...will they ever ALL be love-based? BUt i WILL mess up. How can I deal with this fear of not being forgiven by men? Because I might not always. Yikes. My head hurts...and it is now 7 AM London time...and I want nothing more than to go to sleep. Big questions that might change my life. But Jesus will hold me as I sleep.

THIS is Living

Man, what a trip. Let's point out a few highlights: flying a kite that picks you up on the windy beach; staying with a fantastic family who knows how to LIVE and love each other; laughing a LOT; the English countryside; living at an ancient, gorgeous manor house, complete with gorgeous grounds; discovering i like cider; walking two miles in the pouring down rain in the dark; being a groupie at Nathan and Michael's improvised performances; lunch discussions; living with people from all over the world, including little 3 year old Sam who stole my heart with his precious accent and rambunctious antics; singing to Caitlin and Katherine; playing the few songs i know on a traveling guitar in the foyer for whoever was out there; asking questions; hearing other peoples' questions; learning to stretch my mind and go outside my comfort zone; watching John and Wendy love each other still after many many years; brilliant minds thinking of things that have never crossed mine; amazing friends and wonderful, crazy mothers; really attractive men in pin-striped suits riding their bicicles; imagining C.S. Lewis walking the streets of Oxford; buying a Fairy tale Princess book at Blackwell's; feeling like a princess at high tea at Harrod's; watching Harry Potter in London; sitting in Covent Garden, drinking cider and listening to a good musician play fantastic music on his acoustic on the street; going to Hillsong; great food and too many desserts. and that's just off the top of my head.
not to mention falling down the stairs with my suitcase, losing my fleece, hurting my foot on the trampoline, breaking the wheel off of my suitcase the first day, losing my fleece, and being somewhat sick the whole time. really though, it looks to me like the good FAR outweighs the inconvenient or painful. it was brilliant.

ok i'm feeling a need for a new post for a new format...