Schindler's List

what raw brutality. how inconceivable and yet true that humanity is capable of such atrocities. the beautiful little children driven away in vans never to be seen again. people packed onto box-cars like cattle. the old, disabled, or unfortunate discarded. one man trying to make a difference. and he did. or his story would not be remembered and told.

Clive Staples

CS Lewis is amazing. i am fascinated by the concept of stories. Stories have this way of telling more truth than reality. Kind of like Jesus' parables. Somehow by making the time and place apart from reality, it can be anyone. It can be personalized. Vague causes us to see more clearly and fiction teaches a level of truth, of life lessons learned, that it is hard to convey otherwise. Of course I am not speaking of the the Word of God, but the words of men. Example...Chronicles of Narnia [if you haven't already, i highly suggest you read them all]...in reading those books, i feel i learned more, and gained more insight, than i have in reading purely instructional or informational books. Something about stories goes straight to our hearts. Maybe it helps us understand more of the things we can't see. The real live battle between good and evil, demons and angels. The fight for anything...for life, freedom, peace, joy. The qualities and character of God.
I mean, of course i'm not stuck in a tower or in imminent danger, but then again maybe i am. I have a hunch that what we call 'reality' is not really the whole picture of reality. what is really 'real' lasts forever. this world is not the reality in which we should live our lives. our ultimate reality lies in the unseen, which is unknown and fanciful to most people.
so i think i could think about that for a long time, and never really figure it out. so now that i have most likely confused you too, i must go. but it is pretty fascinating. to me, anyway. wrote a paper on that concept--of truth and fiction--for a class last year. it was pretty cool. pretty confusing, but my prof liked it. off to athens to move out mere...

Display Case

An object on display
too fragile to touch; too valuable
to handle

Standing behing glass
streaked with prints from
reaching out

admired, talked of, praised
from a distance

a broken vessel set apart to fight,
instead set aside as a perfect portrait

no chance to let reality sink in
no chance to love and be loved
in all its intended beauty among imperfection

or have i simply missed it?

somehow use this, my heart's desire, for Yours
somehow multiply strength by inability
somehow rip away facades, real or perceived

as i clutch my bleeding heart, may the balm You spread
reach the hearts You would have me hold
shatter the glass as You extend my hand
cause eyes, hands, and hearts to gaze upwards no matter my stand

dust-gathering...or is it wool-gathering?

soo. i was looking through some old stuff of mine underneath my desk in my room in that attempt to clean out my room (by mom's request...ahem, demand, of course) before returning to school and houseguests and such, and i ran across this notebook.
time out. do you ever catch yourself lying? like, just little little lies, about stuff that doesn't even matter? well i just did one of those. while trying to finish my sentence, it hit me, no, that is not what happened. although i was cleaning. and the notebooks were under my desk. but last night was a bit of a rough night, in a good way, i guess, and i wanted to look through all my old journals. and i didn't get through all of them, but the one i pulled out tonight is from a long time ago. kind of funny to think back to middle school. but this is what i wrote. and it might be embarassing, i'm not sure yet, but i think i still want it to be true. and i want to know, to think, and to wonder if it is any more true today than it was then.

i want to be known, not defined.
i want to be sought out, not just seen.
i want to stand out, and not just be a face in the crowd.
i want to be real, not shallow.
i want to be brave, not a coward.
i want to be understanding, not unhearing.
i want to shine. i want to glow.
i want to be loved as i have loved.
i want to to accept only the best from myself.
i want to be closer to You than ever before.
May i fall on my face before i am proud.
May i bite my tongue before gossip comes out of my mouth.
May i be rejected to know that You accept.
May i be unpretty to know i'm beautiful.
i want to be confident, not arrogant.
loving, not judgmental.
have the right motives, not secret plans.
i want to smile more. i need to smile more
i want to cry more. i need to cry more.
i want to be understood.
to know how others feel about me.
what i'm doing right
what i'm doing wrong.
i want to know who my friends are.
i want to be prized, but not a possession.
i want to receive, but not hoard.
i want to grow. i want to give all i have to those i love.
i want to be different. respected. trusted. sweet. kind. patient.
loved. humble. giving.
i truly want all these things and more.
i want to sing for You and not myself
for Your glory rather than mine
i am nothing. You are Everything.
i want to be content. to be radiant with joy.
to live every day to the fullest.
i want to be bold and unafraid.
to be guarded yet open
vulnerable yet in control of myself
i want to Dance.

and then i trail off into other things i won't go into at the moment. interesting.

Surrender

Today I surrendered. Again. It was glorious. So freeing. I surrendered my dreams...my desires...my striving. Even if it's not in action, just in heart and thought, it can still be striving, you know? I surrendered my dreams to be pivotal and useful in ministry...my dreams to write and sing and draw to make a difference. I surrendered my desire to be known and admired and thought well of by people...people at school...people at church...those circles that have got things happening and are going places. I surrendered my striving for all of that. It is me and You. Me and the Creator of the universe. I think I can handle that. No need to depend on the humans I know. No need to depend on their friendship or opinion or good word. It is such a load off to stop worrying about it. Didn't even realize it was a part of me. Oh, but it was. [pause: sometimes i worry i will be too explicit...too specific in what i talk about or whom it might concern...that it won't be wise or appropriate...and i don't know if i am about to botch that. my apologies if i do] It all started from myspace...don't remember whose...and then clicks and and links later, a curious detached feeling. It kind of seems like I was invading on personal conversations and inside jokes. Looking in from the outside. Granted, I have been gone all summer, and I do not have a myspace...but just in the friendships made and sustained. So today I was tired of it all. The revelation hit me--that it is Him and me. Jesus and I, hanging out, making it through life and all the crap that comes with it. I gave up my deathgrip on the air and simply want to be. I got in my car and as I was driving through the pouring rain, the DCrowder song comes on, and he tells me that he is so bored of little gods and standing on the edge of something large...i give up, i lay down...so sweet this surrender. So i realize that the pouring--the massive flooding--of the streets and cleansing of my car was just a little way to show His love. I wanted to drown in it.
Now, yes, i still wish these thing would happen, but I let go of them. So now maybe Jesus can actually do more in and around me than when I was holding on so tightly. Also, there is the need to not go overboard and simply trust no one and deem all humanity undependable. Which is actually kind of tempting at the moment. But unnecessary and plain wrong too. Oh, the balance. I am tired of trying to throw my heart out there.
Jesus, do Your work in me. Let me take every opportunity You give me, yet not worry or coerce things into place. Do what You will with these. I can only be what I am, and I can only do what You enable me to do...no more, no less. Keep this surrender fresh in my mind always. I won't let my desires or anyone elses steal my joy and make me continually under par. I really need You to back that statement...

very tired. inside.

this morning was quite the exhausting and unexpected event. who knew it would come up and she would go there...that she would challenge me and probe and confront and offer advice and be all wise and bold and stuff. wasn't really expecting it at all. many tears shed. many remembered wrongs and hurts. i forgot about them all while in russia, and even before that at school. maybe let it go some? ah, the Lord has His work cut out for Him in me, that's for sure. recently, i keep realizing, more and more, how far i have to go...how long it will take...how little i know and how much i have to learn and grow. it's remarkable really. and i miss lindsay! so much. i know she is learning and growing and struggling and having the time of her life in Africa.
sometimes it is so exhausting to actually verbalize my thoughts. it makes me tired just thinking about trying to put words to ALL the ideas and thoughts and reactions and opinions rolling around in there. and it is so so comforting to know that Jesus knows them all already. even the ones i don't quite know are there. and suddenly, i am very tired and not wanting to express these things anymore.