Overcome Me

geez...it may all be the truth, but i am depressing...here's a little something i wrote the other day. i kind of like it. i think it accurately paints a picture of my heart. but i'm biased. i suppose i can be.

Jesus, You have overcome the world--overcome my heart
Take it, beating, out of me
a raw and bloody mess
surrendered to Your Glory.
Make it healed and whole
Your fingernail gently, painfully, carefully
scratching away the residue it's coated in

Jesus, You have overcome the world--overcome my fear
Drag it, screaming, out of me
A castaway of perfect love
Finished robbing You of Your Glory.
Tag it unnecessary, unwanted,
Foreign to who i am created to be
as you heat the fir and break the chains it forges

Jesus You have overcome the world--overcome my self
Rub me, dull and dead, sparkling clean
A rock, split open
Revealing Your Glory.
Love me into beauty--
Jagged, broken and gray unveiled
as flowing, faceted and green

Overcome me.

Fog

I don't really feel like telling what has been going on in life today. Don't really feel like sharing or being vulnerable. But maybe because of those things, I should. It's very uncomfortable, though.
I am tired. My eyes are tired and a tad puffy from last night's episode. I want so badly to see, but I don't. Instead of surrendering myself I think that my heart has almost surrendered my dreams. I feel defeated and helpless. It is a beautiful, glorious day outside, and I'm about to go enjoy it. Maybe the sun will penetrate through the clouds then. It's very frustrating to know I am putting God in a box and not know how to break Him out. Maybe that is His job.
Jesus make the dead Alive. Make the blind see. Make the lost found.

Friends...CAPS...call me Thomas

Friends are such a beautiful thing. It is so easy to see bits and pieces of Jesus in them. And sometimes I'll get a glimpse of His whole eye, or section of His heart. Beautiful. Had a MARVELOUS time with some STUNNING hearts (and faces, too) tonight. I mean, any evening including chicken salad, a good cry, ice cream, dressing up, taking pictures, dancing, and other such fun things, not including the aforementioned STUNNING counterparts, makes for a FABULOUS night.
I am trying to work on my punctuation. I have fallen into the typical collegiate slothfulness--leaving capitals and grammar and correct punctuation far behind. I like to write like I would speak. Or rather, I just do. So I'm not sure what I can do about the technical grammar. However, I CAN do something about capitalizing sentences and 'I'. So. This is my effort.
And the bold feature is so difficult to use on this thing. Maybe I'm just challenged in technical things. And I am. So I resort to CAPS. Whatever works, I guess. I really like the CAPS feature.
The story of doubting Thomas from John 20 is in my mind tonight. (pet peeve...tonite...) Jesus shows him. He proves Himself, when He has no obligation to Thomas. And while He seems to gently reprimand him, more than focusing the negative on Thomas, He says "Blessed are those who do not see and still believe." Jesus shows up, right in front of my face when i doubt. When i am faithless, He is faithful. And yet...He tells me, right now, right where I am, to believe without seeing. And i don't see. Yeah, I can see Him at work in and around me in MIGHTY ways. I know He is there...but in certain areas of my heart...certain dreams, certain territories...I do not see anything at all. I don't understand. I don't get it...not the seeming lack of answers, not the uncertainty, not the tears, not the waiting. BUT. He calls me to believe even when I don't see.
So here I go. Jesus, increase my faith. Move the mountains before me as I stare at Your face.

wounds (abrasions)

you know the feeling when you have this huge abrasion, (i know, great word) and it is starting to heal and scab over, so you take the band-aid off as a perpetual covering. and then you accidentally hit it on something. and it is tender and painful, and sometimes it starts to bleed. so you put the band-aid back on and have another go-round.
my heart hurts.

a little flashlight on the soul

somehow i always end up procrastinating. thus, here i am, at 2 something in the morning, still awake and going. ah well.
just listened to alex's cd in the background of my work. i really like it. so good to see linds again today. realized i have some issues. (SURPRISE). alas, i wonder if i will ever live from a completely free heart. i cling to Him completing the good work in me that He has most definitely started.
Realized today that i am afraid to be completely me. to me all of who God made me to be around everyone. somehow i feel the need to restrict myself to being more serious or quiet or mature--just thinking and listening a whole lot of the time...which is not all bad, and definitely a part of who i am, but not all of me. i am quirky and weird. i make outrageous comments and, at times, poke fun. i think a lot, but i have a lot to say as well. i am silly. i am goofy. i talk in funny voices and am really scatterbrained at times. i don't always finish my sentences, (thank you trish, for always reading between the lines and understanding "kelly" language) much to the confusion of some around me. i get really really excited sometimes--too excited to coherently speak, and excited enough to jump up and down and clap once or twice. i like to spontaneously break out dancing. and a bunch of other things that are me.
once again, it seems i have simply talked about myself. but on second thought, it is not so much about me as it is about who exactly God has made me to be. Who He wants me to be. i am not there yet. but i want to keep running after it with all my heart, eyes fixed on His glorious, beautiful face. By my fear and excuses to live out the Life in me, i have elevated what men think of me over what God thinks of me. the most basic of things, that i would tell you i did not have a problem with. i do my own thing. i don't care what people think. oh, but no. i am above nothing. read in John about the Pharisees valuing praise from men over praise from God, and i thought, wow, Lord, don't let me do that...all the while thinking that i don't. and...you get the point.
add all this to another very not-small revelation concerning my heart and another relationship, and i am plumb worn out.
Jesus today i am tired. i need Your music to come and inspire. i give myself to be refined in this fire. Jesus, today i'm so tired.
and You'll come again, with a shout. like a theif in the night, You'll come riding on clounds. finally, the voice i had followed for life has a glorious face that is lit up with light and You'll come for me.
no more pain, peace; no more fear, release...just lost and consumed with my Glorious King
one of my favorite songs to sing. and hear. Charlie is great. adios my friends.

my day. (apparently it's all about me)

so...looking back over my posts, i have a few comments...i talk entirely too much about specific school things like bio or polysci. and i always seem to say i'm tired and lacking sleep. and can i say that i am retarded at posting pictures? i mean, how awkwardly placed can i make it? i don't know, maybe i shouldn't say too much. the future holds all kinds of things. but i am going to try and amend these few things.
so. maybe i'll just comment on the space of my day, event by event.
finished my creative endeavors for Linds and Molly. i am obsessed with shadow boxes now. sort of. i love drawing and thinking and putting scraps of things together to make a message and a meaning.
also picked up my birthday ring this afternoon. i really like it. green stone and gold setting. YES for dark green. not the kind of fake bright green of emeralds. and antique-y settings in gold.
helped give the dog a bath. marvelous, as always. she is just precious, though. how do dogs sleep so much of the time? i am convinced that a solid 80% of the time, she is sleeping. crazy. and in such odd positions...hanging half off of her bed, maybe just her head on it, or maybe just her head off of it. makes me want to get comfortable and sleep. which i just might do. alas! there i go talking about sleep again.
so i typed out Romans 8 and Colossians. a first step to my goal of memorizing them. Romans 8 is so freaking amazing. and long. every time i read it, it speaks to me where i am. talk about the LIVING Word of God. sorry about the deception, however, did this like two days ago, not today.
today, however, i did read the first part of a tribute to John Lennon compiled by Yoko. very interesting to hear what people had to say. obviously he was a bit before my time, but so many people loved him. i wanted to see what all the hubbub was about. as a musician and as a person.
then i proceeded to go to eckerds to fill a perscription only to realize i left it on the kitchen counter. drove home to get it and went back. that was exciting. but really, the sunset was GLORIOUS. and did i mention i LOVE drums? like, i LOVE music, but i just LOVE good drums in a song. is that how you say that? i think i expressed myself wrongly. good drums...i'm sure someone knows the terminology. anyway. that. i love that.
ok well. i've got my short book written for the day, so i feel free to leave you now. hopefully i'll have an interesting dream.
ok--sidenote. i just went to write the 'title' for this post, and seeing as it is about my day, and all the random things that entails, i have realized it is all about me. something else i shall try to amend...just thought i'd verbalize once again how ME-centered i am. just so you know.

SPRING BREAK

ah spring break. still here. almost over. three cheers for a peaceful home and God's beauty! but really? it's taking 5 years to upload these pictures...so you just might not get to see what would elicit three cheers from me. there we go. it worked. about a year ago, since you can't see the contrasting red date. love sunsets. and then my backyard...

yikes i don't know how these things work...i guess they will all be above the writing. soo.

can i be a sentimental putz and say i am so sad i dropped trish and ms betty off at the airport on wed.? SAD DAY. 3 months. my soul friend. she knows me better than almost anyone on the planet. and these are some of our moments...

starbucks listeners and first fainting spells

Spring break is finally here. there's still a good bit of work to do, but resting is nice. it was the weirdest thing. i fainted this morning for the first time in my life. i stood up to quickly i guess, and walked to the bathroom, put my Bible and notebook by the sink, started to black out, but didn't think much of it...happens all the time. except this time i just remember coming to and staring at the ground, feeling paralyzed and confused, vaguely remembering hitting my back and shins. it felt like i had just woken up from sleeping. i was awkwardly laying in the doorway with my back against the door and my legs sprawled against the other side of the doorframe. very interesting. i really ought to be getting ready about now because i need to meet my mom at the jewelry store to look at my ring. it was for my birthday.
last night it was good to talk with trish at starbucks. i can't believe she'll be leaving for england for 3 months on wed. but you know, i wonder what the guy next to us was thinking. we talked about a lot of things. crazy stuff like life purpose and God's omnipresence and passages from Scripture, and faith, and the nations...along with just being stupid (aka ourselves--rather, myself)...and he apparently kept looking at us. i wonder if he was thinking, 'right on!' or disagreeing, or simply curious, or what.

why is the sky blue?

i found the rose garden at the botanical gardens here and i am SO excited. and there is a MARVELOUS climbing tree. lately i have been fascinated with nature and trees and sunsets and stars and flowers. i LOVE trees. they are so simple yet twisted and tangled. solidly rooted in the ground. beautifully bare before all the leaves and flowers come in the spring. strong and big, regardless of what goes on around them, storm or sunshine.
and flowers are so delicate and beautiful. and unique. how incredible is it that God decided to let them smell a little bit like heaven?! just sitting there, waiting for any passerby who wishes to stop and breathe in some beauty.
stars are kind of a given, but still! how remarkable! glorious death and life shining brighter, bigger and farther than any of our little minds can grasp.
sunsets and sunrises technically fall into the star category, but it's our little star. and the sky in general is thrown in with that too. just looking up makes me feel small, and in a bubble. the blue sky...the glorious colors of pink and golden and orange. is golden a color? it should be. sunbeams shining through the clouds is another magnificent sight. when you can see the light from the heavens coming down in such a tangible and specific way...wow.
why is the sky blue? i know there are scientific answers to that question, and reasons i wouldn't understand, but really...what if it were green or purple? God could just as easily have created our laws of physics and ultraviolet rays and whatever else to work in such a way that it would be perfectly normal to have a green sky. and we would be wondering why it's green. some child would say why isn't it blue? and the answer would be, that's perposterous! it's green because our light and rays and science makes it so. and all along we are just a little off kilter...
random sidenote.
so now i'm going to get excited about going to enjoy these things i've been telling you about...