Surrender

Today I surrendered. Again. It was glorious. So freeing. I surrendered my dreams...my desires...my striving. Even if it's not in action, just in heart and thought, it can still be striving, you know? I surrendered my dreams to be pivotal and useful in ministry...my dreams to write and sing and draw to make a difference. I surrendered my desire to be known and admired and thought well of by people...people at school...people at church...those circles that have got things happening and are going places. I surrendered my striving for all of that. It is me and You. Me and the Creator of the universe. I think I can handle that. No need to depend on the humans I know. No need to depend on their friendship or opinion or good word. It is such a load off to stop worrying about it. Didn't even realize it was a part of me. Oh, but it was. [pause: sometimes i worry i will be too explicit...too specific in what i talk about or whom it might concern...that it won't be wise or appropriate...and i don't know if i am about to botch that. my apologies if i do] It all started from myspace...don't remember whose...and then clicks and and links later, a curious detached feeling. It kind of seems like I was invading on personal conversations and inside jokes. Looking in from the outside. Granted, I have been gone all summer, and I do not have a myspace...but just in the friendships made and sustained. So today I was tired of it all. The revelation hit me--that it is Him and me. Jesus and I, hanging out, making it through life and all the crap that comes with it. I gave up my deathgrip on the air and simply want to be. I got in my car and as I was driving through the pouring rain, the DCrowder song comes on, and he tells me that he is so bored of little gods and standing on the edge of something large...i give up, i lay down...so sweet this surrender. So i realize that the pouring--the massive flooding--of the streets and cleansing of my car was just a little way to show His love. I wanted to drown in it.
Now, yes, i still wish these thing would happen, but I let go of them. So now maybe Jesus can actually do more in and around me than when I was holding on so tightly. Also, there is the need to not go overboard and simply trust no one and deem all humanity undependable. Which is actually kind of tempting at the moment. But unnecessary and plain wrong too. Oh, the balance. I am tired of trying to throw my heart out there.
Jesus, do Your work in me. Let me take every opportunity You give me, yet not worry or coerce things into place. Do what You will with these. I can only be what I am, and I can only do what You enable me to do...no more, no less. Keep this surrender fresh in my mind always. I won't let my desires or anyone elses steal my joy and make me continually under par. I really need You to back that statement...