dust-gathering...or is it wool-gathering?

soo. i was looking through some old stuff of mine underneath my desk in my room in that attempt to clean out my room (by mom's request...ahem, demand, of course) before returning to school and houseguests and such, and i ran across this notebook.
time out. do you ever catch yourself lying? like, just little little lies, about stuff that doesn't even matter? well i just did one of those. while trying to finish my sentence, it hit me, no, that is not what happened. although i was cleaning. and the notebooks were under my desk. but last night was a bit of a rough night, in a good way, i guess, and i wanted to look through all my old journals. and i didn't get through all of them, but the one i pulled out tonight is from a long time ago. kind of funny to think back to middle school. but this is what i wrote. and it might be embarassing, i'm not sure yet, but i think i still want it to be true. and i want to know, to think, and to wonder if it is any more true today than it was then.

i want to be known, not defined.
i want to be sought out, not just seen.
i want to stand out, and not just be a face in the crowd.
i want to be real, not shallow.
i want to be brave, not a coward.
i want to be understanding, not unhearing.
i want to shine. i want to glow.
i want to be loved as i have loved.
i want to to accept only the best from myself.
i want to be closer to You than ever before.
May i fall on my face before i am proud.
May i bite my tongue before gossip comes out of my mouth.
May i be rejected to know that You accept.
May i be unpretty to know i'm beautiful.
i want to be confident, not arrogant.
loving, not judgmental.
have the right motives, not secret plans.
i want to smile more. i need to smile more
i want to cry more. i need to cry more.
i want to be understood.
to know how others feel about me.
what i'm doing right
what i'm doing wrong.
i want to know who my friends are.
i want to be prized, but not a possession.
i want to receive, but not hoard.
i want to grow. i want to give all i have to those i love.
i want to be different. respected. trusted. sweet. kind. patient.
loved. humble. giving.
i truly want all these things and more.
i want to sing for You and not myself
for Your glory rather than mine
i am nothing. You are Everything.
i want to be content. to be radiant with joy.
to live every day to the fullest.
i want to be bold and unafraid.
to be guarded yet open
vulnerable yet in control of myself
i want to Dance.

and then i trail off into other things i won't go into at the moment. interesting.